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Wednesday 10 September 2014
Monday 8 September 2014
The Guilt's the Thing
An expat lifestyle is a curious one. It's full of normal things, like many of my friends and family have back home. I get up, get my kids up, eat a breakfast on the run--an apple, a piece of toast, sometimes a bowl of cereal if I have time (gluten free rice chex are always in my cupboard) and then it's off to a full day of work, sometimes helping my kids with homework at night, having dinner, and doing it all over again the next day.
But as an expat I also have a full time amah (nanny/helper) working for our family, which definitely helps with my workload. She makes dinner most nights and can babysit when we need her to, so I can find some time every week to do some writing. Still, how do I carve out the time away from my family? Is there even enough time to be carved out, with a full time job and three kids?
My daughters will sometimes find me in the early evenings sitting at my desk, trying to drum up what I want my character to say or an important epiphany I want her to have. My eight-year-old does a great imitation of me, acting out what I hope is a more dramatized version of me saying "Can I please just finish this one paragraph!" followed by a disgusted sigh. When she first performed it for me I panicked: is this really what she thinks of me?
I'm sure there are times I don't give my kids as much attention as they deserve, or as I would like. I am praying desperately that I don't regret it someday. That my attention to my written words are worth the fewer words they might hear from me sometimes.
I guess it's a mom's job to feel guilt, is that it? I justify my writing life with the fact that I'm working hard at my craft and hopefully they'll see the importance of that and end up doing it themselves as an adult (not necessarily writing, but whatever craft they choose).
I hope this isn't just a pathetic justification, but there's some truth to it. I hope my example of working hard and being true to yourself will be as meaningful in the long run as if I had spent more hours making homemade lunches and playing tag. I'm well aware it's not just quality hours that matter, but quantity too. And that's where the guilt comes in.
Is it too little time or not? Maybe I should ask my kids.
But as an expat I also have a full time amah (nanny/helper) working for our family, which definitely helps with my workload. She makes dinner most nights and can babysit when we need her to, so I can find some time every week to do some writing. Still, how do I carve out the time away from my family? Is there even enough time to be carved out, with a full time job and three kids?
My daughters will sometimes find me in the early evenings sitting at my desk, trying to drum up what I want my character to say or an important epiphany I want her to have. My eight-year-old does a great imitation of me, acting out what I hope is a more dramatized version of me saying "Can I please just finish this one paragraph!" followed by a disgusted sigh. When she first performed it for me I panicked: is this really what she thinks of me?
I'm sure there are times I don't give my kids as much attention as they deserve, or as I would like. I am praying desperately that I don't regret it someday. That my attention to my written words are worth the fewer words they might hear from me sometimes.
I guess it's a mom's job to feel guilt, is that it? I justify my writing life with the fact that I'm working hard at my craft and hopefully they'll see the importance of that and end up doing it themselves as an adult (not necessarily writing, but whatever craft they choose).
I hope this isn't just a pathetic justification, but there's some truth to it. I hope my example of working hard and being true to yourself will be as meaningful in the long run as if I had spent more hours making homemade lunches and playing tag. I'm well aware it's not just quality hours that matter, but quantity too. And that's where the guilt comes in.
Is it too little time or not? Maybe I should ask my kids.
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